Monogamy in 2018

“Hello, my name is Anne, I would like to have exclusive sex with you for one year, and then the next year I would like to sleep with others too.” Probably not the best introduction on a first date. When is the best time to talk about such a topic? Surely monogamy has to be discussed as a relationship starts to become a bit more serious, but why not be honest with each other from the very beginning?

First of all: What is being monogamous? According to Cambridge dictionary: “the condition or custom of being married to only one person at a time or of having only one sexual partner”*. So the only thing I’m hearing in this sentence is AT A TIME. Does that mean I’m free to have more partners at other times?

“You’ll find a man/woman, fall in love, built a house, grow a family.” That’s what society tells us from a very young age. Even in fairy tales, prince charming comes along (often on a horse) and they live happily ever after. Well, these days it’s more like “ride that pony” till the next one comes along. Why do we keep searching for the one? Why do we even think there is only one person that can fulfill all our needs?

We asked Pascale (45 years old, happily married since 3 years) who found her number one a couple of years ago, to have a wider understanding on what’s her secret to her stable relationship.

What is your relationship to Monogamy?

Pascale says that after a certain age you just want to have a stable relationship with one person. Everybody has to live and make their own experiences, know what your preferences are and then you know when it’s time to settle down. For her, these are the main factors in a relationship: Responsibility, Respect and Trust. Monogamy just comes along the way. It would be hard to imagine the partner with somebody else and would not work for her.

Almost everybody I know has already cheated or has been cheated on. Infidelity is apparently reason Nr.1 to end a relationship or marriage (66% divorce rate in 2016, GEOLOGY 101 REPORT !1 second highest in Europe**). Yet we try over and over to make a monogamous relationships work. So what is it that keeps us going to find the perfect partner? Is it hope?

A very different view has Peter (32 years old and single since 2 years).

Does being monogamous feel natural to you or does it come as a sacrifice?

Peter (32 years old and single) feels like it always depends on the person you’re with. He says you can look at monogamy as a fetiche or sexual preference. For example if you are in love with somebody and everything is perfect but you have a special sexual need and that person doesn’t fit inside it, then monogamy will ruin your life. Because sex is essential for him. He enjoys monogamy with one person if that person has the same preferences, if not then he stays single.

I think everybody should ask themselves that question before committing to someone and make false promises. Society shouldn’t judge either way, everybody has to figure out what’s best for them. It is only relevant to the partner or partners involved anyways. Don’t think about finding and staying with one partner too much. I think there is someone for every chapter of your life, it doesn’t matter if that chapter takes 5 minutes, 5 months or 5 years.

*(https://dictionary.cambridge.org)

**(https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php/ Marriage_and_divorce_statistics)

Anne Lommel


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