My Sexy Time
„Yes, sex is always the answer, it’s never a question, ‘cause the answer’s yes, oh the answer’s yes” – this is actually not a quote from some Dr. Love book, but a part of the lyrics from a Nickleback song I used to listen to a lot as a teenager. Sex, that’s also what I wanted to talk about when I messaged Laura Hendriks, professional sex therapist and founder of soon-to-be-launched website “sexpert.lu”. What we ended up talking about was much more fundamental though, sex being important in any kind of relationship, but not the key part making it work – or not. “There’s tons of tips and tricks for your sex life, you just have to walk into a sex shop to see what possibilities there are, but that’s not the problem. The part that is crucial is the dynamics in the relationship and those are being tested during times of social distancing”, explains the sexologist.
Whether it’s for couples now being all time together or partners that don’t live in the same home and have to face months of separation – the measures taken regarding the spread of Covid-19 are a challenge for every lovebird, because a crisis such as this one means changing habits and plunging into a new day-to-day rhythm.
“Couples need to be able to communicate, now more then ever. It’s all about expressing one’s needs and desires without accusing the other of misbehavior. A relationship needs to be a safe space where both partners feel respected, otherwise there will be tensions and it won’t work long term”
says Hendriks. Especially for fresh lovers this period of transition can become the ultimate test, them not yet having had to go through many crises.
And here’s where the sex part begins:
“Sex is just one part of intimacy. Of course, being a sexologist I acknowledge the fact that physical intercourse is important in a relationship, but before that there’s a ton of other smaller things that need to function properly, otherwise the desire for sex will diminish.”
A kind word, holding hands, a kiss – if someone doesn’t feel like sharing these with their partner, there’s probably something amiss with the fundaments of their relationship. “During confinement, a couple that knows how to communicate will discover so many more small evidences for their love, whereas those where this basis is not given will slowly but surely realize how many things there are that really get on their nerves”, the sex therapist explains. If your partner just really really sucks, then why the heck would you feel like putting on that fancy nightgown you bought to get them in the right mood?
Of course, there’s always the difference between male and female sexuality, as Hendriks indicates:
“It’s said that women need to be relaxed to want sex, whereas men become less stressed through sex. In fact, our needs are the same for all of us, it’s just a matter of order. For men, sex is much higher up on the priority list than for women, so you need to find common grounds. If a couple is in their right place, now is the time to do things slowly, maybe take 45 minutes instead of five. But in the end, this is just the frosting, the nice decoration for a good cake. But the cake needs to be already there.”
So, ladies and gentlemen: if you can’t seem to get along – communicate what is is you want and need and listen to what your partners have to say. For all the others – here comes the fun part.
But let’s not forget about our fellow singles out there, they too have a need for intimacy. While physical contact is currently forbidden for those not living under the same roof, social distancing does by no means equal abstinence. On the contrary.
“Sexuality now needs to be enjoyed in different ways, and thank God there’s media”, Hendriks says. There’s no need to feel alone during confinement because there is so many ways to be together, while being socially distant. Whether it’s masturbating together during a video chat, pleasuring your partner or otherwise-one-night-stand with remote-controlled vibrators or just good old sexting – le sexy time is still a thing, even in Corona Time. “I think in times like these people generally become more creative and start looking for new ways, as the old ones no longer work or are prohibited”, the therapist explains.
One thing that is probably blooming in 2020 is porn. Yup, porn can actually be spelled out in an article, no shaming there. But what still is a big taboo in many relationships can really be helpful during the confinement, as Hendriks indicates:
“Porn is a good method to get sexually excited. The mind and body don’t make a difference between real life pleasure and that coming from watching porn. It’s the same as if you watch a horror movie or think of a sad memory – you get scared, feel pain, or, in the case of porn, become sexually aroused.”
The hormone cocktail that our body produces during an orgasm is the perfect stress regulator, that’s why many people tend to have many orgasms on many occasions. However, porn should in no way influence one’s expectations and concepts of sex. The displayed intercourses are faker than Dolly Buster’s boobs, and still: porn results in erection, lubrication and (hopefully) an orgasm. Pleasure: check!
For those that would really love to be more sexually active but can’t really find the right way to do so – checkout OMGyes, it’s Hendriks-approved:
“Of course I had to test the website and the videos explaining female masturbation and the different techniques are really well done. It won’t revolutionize your whole sex life, but it’s above all educational and shows that self-pleasure is nothing to be ashamed of, on the contrary.”
So, ladies, stop being scared to touch yourselves, it’s your vagina, it doesn’t bite and most of all: it really likes being taken care of. Especially by those that have no one at hand to do so.
One main thing that needs to be taken care of before all the above mentioned information actually turns into practice, is balance between us-time and me-time. While singles have tons and tons of time with only themselves at hand, couples (especially with kids) now often struggle to find moments in which sexuality can really unfold.
“It’s important to interact with your partner, but it’s also important to allow yourself and your significant other time for themselves, without feeling bad about it. To manage to do that, tasks need to be split up, children put to bed early and some hours of the day reserved for romance, or just a 20 minute bubble bath”,
Hendriks says. And while Corona-Time means a loooot of chilling on your couch wearing pyjamas all day, you should still remember to sometimes dress up nicely, because who doesn’t want to feel sexy from time to time?
All in all, according to Laura Hendriks, now is the time to reflect, adapt old patterns, get creative and maybe dare to be just a trifle more experimental than usual. After all, no one is going to come sneaking into your room, social distancing and all.
Of course, all these tips will only work out if the fundaments of the relationship with your partner (and/or yourself!) are intact.
And if you haven’t yet found Mr. Right to test this newly gained knowledge – why not download Tinder or some other dating app? Because, as the sexpert correctly says:
“Social Distancing can be used to virtually cook together, have a movie night via Skype and just get to know each other. Dating doesn’t have to be on hold just because it is difficult to meet in person, it’s just different. But this can be exciting too, can’t it?”